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Dean’s Welcome Mountains Catalog
PARODY / SATIRE NOTICE: This page is satire. References to the University of Montana School of Law and the Alexander Blewett III School of Law are for parody/commentary only. Not affiliated with the University of Montana or any real institution or person.

A parody of a Montana law school website • Missoula law satire • Not affiliated with the University of Montana School of Law

Not-UM School of Law

Elevating excellence through strategic alignment

Mission, Vision, and Other Binding Aspirations

The Not-UM School of Law (Parody) (the “School”) is committed to excellence, impact, innovation, and additional virtues to be selected at a later date (collectively, the “Virtues”).

The School’s mission is to deliver a transformative experience through strategic alignment, brand-forward pedagogy, and continuous improvement initiatives (the “Initiatives”), each of which is measurable, measurable-adjacent, or otherwise capable of being placed in a chart.

The School remains committed to ranking improvement through a multi-year, multi-committee strategy designed to elevate visibility, optimize metrics, and responsibly reframe “progress” in a manner that moves the number up. The School’s commitment to ranking improvement is ongoing, measurable, and frequently referenced.

Warning: Any resemblance to real institutional language is intentional, unfortunate, and part of the satire.

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Academics (Outcome-Adjacent Learning)

Our curriculum is intentionally dynamic, allowing the School to deliver content in a manner responsive to (i) evolving best practices, (ii) scheduling realities, and (iii) what can be taught by whoever is currently available.

  • Instructional Model: hybrid, modular, and spiritually asynchronous
  • Assessment: competency-based, vibes-informed, rubric-flexible
  • Rigor: present, implied, and referenced in marketing materials

Courses may be offered, re-offered, or rebranded pursuant to institutional priorities and ranking-optimization cycles.

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Admissions (Holistic & Convenient)

Admissions decisions are made through a holistic process that considers academic preparation, professional promise, and the applicant’s demonstrated capacity to thrive in an environment of transformational ambiguity.

  • Timeline: rolling (like a wheel, not like a plan)
  • Scholarships: awarded based on merit, need, and narrative coherence
  • Updates: provided on a best-efforts basis, subject to the availability of “systems”

Applicants should exhibit grit, initiative, and comfort with phrases such as “pending internal review.” Our goal is a student body aligned with our ranking improvement roadmap.

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Refined through Administrative Fire

Students acquire a wide range of practical skills, including:

  • Boundary-Setting: determining whether a meeting invitation is a genuine opportunity, an administrative ambush, or simply this week’s character-building exercise.
  • Emotional Regulation: maintaining a polished, professional tone while your internal monologue applies for early retirement.
  • Adaptive Endurance: developing the calm, steady composure that only repeated, entirely avoidable inconveniences can produce.

Through these experiences, students develop emotional competencies that might otherwise require decades, multiple reinventions, and at least one life-altering event to obtain. Here, it’s all conveniently built into the curriculum.

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Mountain Scenery (The Real Curriculum)

When the education is “under review,” the mountains remain fully operational (parody).

If you ever find yourself thinking, “Wait… is this actually happening?,” just look outside. The mountains offer steady perspective and calm in the storm. Most of the time, the view in part makes up for all the drama.

Mountain landscape Circumpolar Urals landscape Cradle Mountain Tasmania Chief Mountain Glacier National Park Saddle Mountain Oregon Mount Everest

Welcome from the Dean

A message about self-discovery, procedural shadow, and the quiet sound of your own choices (parody).

(PARODY) “Dean Alessandra Pungalesca di Ego, JD, MPA, KPI” (fictionalized)

Welcome. You are not here merely to learn the law. You are here to discover who you really are when a deadline arrives, the rubric becomes interpretive, and the portal says “error” with complete confidence.

In our halls, you will encounter questions that cannot be answered by policy pages, sub-pages, or the updated page that replaces the sub-page. Questions like: What do you believe? What will you tolerate? How many meetings will you attend before you admit you are the meeting?

Our philosophy is simple: identity is forged in ambiguity. When you cannot find the correct form, you will find yourself.

As Dean, I cannot promise clarity. I can promise a process. The process will not always produce answers, but it will reliably produce documentation. And sometimes, in the dark, documentation is all we have.

This message is satire. No real person is speaking here. The tone is intentionally darker and dramatic.

News & Events (Visibility & Momentum)

Updates provided to support strategic awareness, stakeholder confidence, and continuous ranking improvement through narrative alignment (parody).

Announcement

Strategic Initiative Launch: “Doing Something” (Phase I)

The School announces an initiative designed to improve outcomes by identifying opportunities for improvement and assigning them to a committee with a calendar.

Posted: “Recently” • Category: Excellence

Event

Town Hall: Listening Session & Controlled Messaging Forum

A dialogue centered on transparency, alignment, and the careful definition of “next steps” as an ongoing deliverable.

Time: TBD • Location: A room / a link

Update

System Modernization: Portal Improvements (Roadmap to a Roadmap)

Enhancements are underway to streamline access to resources, including a new page that explains where the resources will be once they exist.

Status: In progress • Owner: Assigned

Statement

Official Statement on Tenure

At our law school, we proudly support tenure because it provides something the legal profession sorely lacks: permanent job security.

Tenure ensures that once a professor has demonstrated sufficient commitment to the noble art of publishing articles read primarily by other professors, they can do so indefinitely, free from the disruptive forces of evaluation, accountability, or market demand.

In short, tenure is not merely a tradition—it is a cornerstone of academic freedom, intellectual independence, and the comforting knowledge that once you’re in, you’re in. For life.

Effective: Indefinite • Review: Not Anticipated

Statement

Institutional Policy Regarding Apologies

The School maintains a formal policy of not issuing apologies. Conduct that may be viewed by some as questionable or ethically imperfect does not, in itself, constitute a violation of law or institutional policy, and such distinctions are material.

Matters generating concern are reviewed internally and addressed through appropriate administrative channels. The absence of an apology should not be interpreted as an absence of process, nor an absence of institutional excellence.

Effective: Ongoing • Review: Internal

Statement

Official Statement on Sabbaticals

Our law school strongly supports sabbaticals as an essential component of faculty development.

Although sabbaticals are sometimes described as time for completing major scholarly works, we recognize their broader value. Sabbaticals provide faculty with an opportunity for reflection, intellectual exploration, and the occasional realization that a project sounded much better when it was first proposed.

Whether a manuscript is completed, partially drafted, thoughtfully reconsidered, or permanently set aside, the sabbatical has still fulfilled its important role in supporting faculty growth—and providing a much-needed break.

Objective: Scholarly Reflection • Completion: Optional

Course Catalog (Selected Offerings)

All descriptions drafted in Maximum Legalese™ for brand consistency (parody).

LAW 101 — Principles of Strategic Communication & Institutional Tone

Students learn to draft communications that are simultaneously confident and noncommittal, including approved phrases “at this time,” “going forward,” and “we take this seriously.”

LAW 143 — Policy Navigation & Procedural Compliance Practicum

A hands-on exploration of forms, portals, sub-portals, and the doctrine that the correct link exists somewhere, but not where you clicked.

LAW 210 — Metrics, Outcomes & Reputation Management

Students convert qualitative disappointment into dashboards, including the equation: Perception > Reality, subject to revision.

LAW 255 — Resource Allocation & Program Sustainability

Students analyze how programs remain “fully supported” while also being “under review,” and draft memos explaining how both statements can be true.

Request Information (Not Real)

This form does not send anywhere. It is a front-page demo.

Student Resources

Access the resource hub, the upcoming resource hub, and the resource hub roadmap.

About this Montana Law School Parody

Not-UM School of Law is a satire site. Mentions of Montana law, Missoula law, the University of Montana School of Law, or the Alexander Blewett III School of Law are included for parody/commentary only. Not affiliated.



© 2026 Not-UM School of Law (Parody) • Satire only • Not affiliated with any real institution or person • Questions? Read the disclaimers above and emotionally within.